Last night at the invitation of a friend I was at the only Rod Stewart concert at the Acer arena. I am not a particularly big fan of Rod's, though I certainly have danced (better than he does I submit) and sung along to a few of his songs, Maggie May, Young Turks, Sailing and a few others. All the ones I liked of his he played last night. I have been at the Arena several times, or should that be many times, but I do not recall ever it being THAT full. I was waiting outside for my friend to arrive and got asked at least 7 times by women if I was selling (scalping) tickets. What the? I must have looked particularly low and seedy. It was packed and a 45 minute departure from a car park was so funny and stupid there is nothing you can do but kick back and enjoy. I love my phone. I have the new iphone and it has a heap of games and other things built for just such an occasion. My favourite is an old arcade game called 1942. I played many games before moving even a single car space!
Anyway, to the concert. It was good, classic Rod. He dressed well, I like his taste in clothes, or was that the taste of his stylist or wife or both. It was good. He held the crowd in the metaphorical palm of his hand as he swathed and danced in stove pipe pants coupled with a host of jackets and other accessories and all with a hint of football (soccer) thrown in for good measure. With someone who is so passionate for both pursuits he combines them well and kicked some 20-30 autographed balls into the audience to cheers,raucous laughter and excitement for the many who lunged, leapt and screamed to get one of the balls. His audience not only embrace his music but his unique and raspy voice that is his signature. All over, it was a good concert and I am grateful for the invitation.
When you look at the musical landscape of the world in popular western style music there are few who have survived and still perform to capacity crowds. I think of the Rolling Stones, The Eagles, my mate Burt Bacharach, The Who, Elton John, David Bowie, Billy Joel to a lesser extent and there would be a few others, who have the capacity to deliver year in year out a style of music that is almost reinventing the artist and pulling their audience with them. Rod Stewart certainly fits into that realm. One thing I notice at the brief and un-researched list I just wrote, I notice that most are British. Wow, England has been responsible for much of the music that still survives. Interesting thought.
Just a short post to say what is happening with me. I visited Mum at home early this morning, she still has a drip from her throat and looks a bit like an extra from Star Wars, but she is on the mend. She is still a little frail. Though she is improving.
There is lots of exciting news I have as well, but I will wait for a while to share, there is a collaborative work I am starting with another great photographer, and a raft of new opportunities to photograph concerts that literally happened to me on the way to Rod Stewart last night. Most photographers who shoot concerts only get 2-3 songs at the beginning of the concert before they have to leave. Last night they all had 400-600mm lenses because they were so far away. A deliberate ploy no less from the promoters, but I have never wanted to do THAT style of concert photography, and the style I particularly want has been offered to me!!!!! My first "official" gig might even take me to ULURU the worlds largest rock in the desert centre of Australia. More on that as it unfolds, and another persons details were offered to me as well who is interested in, or at least wanting to see what I can do who is influential in the field of human endeavour I am targeting. It certainly feels like it's happening. I am loving the ride. I pinched myself this morning..it hurt so it must be real.
I will not be writing for a few days I will be on assignment and won't have time to write. I will post more pictures soon of what I am doing.
;0)
You're in my heart
Another month all but gone
Well The latest I have from Mum is that she is expecting to be released from hospital today or the next few days. Her spirits are up and she is doing well. The Doctor says that pathology results to ensure the cancer did not spread will take a little while more to determine. She has an appointment again with him in 10 days time. Kayleena flew home yesterday and it was good to have her here with us, good to get to know her again without her 5 kids (they are great kids), it was just good to see her unwind without the worry and follow up she makes for her kids.
On her last night here I got in touch with mutual friends that Kayleena and I grew up with, and we went out to Dinner with them and it was great. We went out to dinner with one, Robyn Loau and her sister Carol. Robyn was once in a teen girl band called "Girlfriend" and they were quite big in their day and in my opinion, though it may well be bias, Robyn was the major talent of the group. She co-wrote some of their biggest hits and was an integral part of their success. She is still performing, and is putting an album together currently. She has a beautiful daughter called Indigo. I met Robyn's partner formally as he is a musical maestro having been the musical director for many of Australia's stars, I saw him play previously when I went to see Robyn live in concert and never actually met him.
All over I had fun, I got to learn a few more things about them, myself and indeed about how in the click of a finger it seemed that the years had melted away and we were "back" where we once forged common ground. Time is an interesting phenomena. It really is relative to whatever you are doing. It does fly when you are having fun, and does drag when you are not.
Before going to meet with Carol and Robyn, I created up a photo collage of Robyn from her live performance I photographed previously and I was very proud of it. I made it up for her, for Kayleena and I. I purchased a silver paint pen so she could sign in the blank section on the front. I am posting the non-autographed picture below and will include a You Tube video on Robyn's latest film clip called She Devil. I will provide the link for my favourite Girlfriend song called "Without You" as I could not embed it here, the person who created it closed the embed feature off. Robyn sung the lead vocals and co-wrote the song also.
copy and paste this link into your browser to see the Girlfriend song with Robyn singing "WIthout You".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0vJOsrfffA
Robyn, Carol and Kayleena
It is a short one today but I just wanted to let you all know Mum's progress and let you know that I have had a relatively good weekend. I also got to photograph another Filipino celebrity singer called Ivy Violan. She is an interesting lady. Great voice and in the middle of the performance whilst there was a blackout on the power she continued on unaccompanied and went amongst, and engaged, the audience as though it was all part of the performance. That took experience, determination and a real love for what she does. The best and most gifted female Filipino singer I had the pleasure to photograph and meet was Regine Velasquez. She is a bit snobbish, or at least on the two occasions I have met her she at least seemed to be, but what a wonderful voice, and the fact that she is easy on the eye doesn't hurt either!
This You Tube clip is of Regine with Brian McKnight. After that is a picture collage I did that she autographed and requested a copy of.
Have a good week everyone.
Through the woods...
It has been an interesting ride over the last few days - even a roller coaster ride. Much of the angst and stress was caused because Mum told some people straight, the deal that she was facing and failed to communicate that "straight" information to us her children, hence the innuendo and portions of doom and gloom from well intentioned friends and extended family proved a toxic cocktail of mis-information. That has been sorted and after seeing her in the hospital ward last night looking a little worse for wear yet smiling is good news. We are led to believe, as we have not seen the Doctor yet, that the cancer that affected and almost destroyed the thyroid did not permeate any other parts of the body, a la the lymph glands which would have been severe if not terminal were they affected. So it appears that Mum has indeed been fortunate. I said to her with a cut throat last night, "only the good die young"! she laughed and nearly choked but appreciated the humour, I think?
It has been a very insightful journey into my own feelings and reasonings on life, on what is important and on what I believe happiness and life to be, and to mean.
Just wanted to express this quickly for those on the blog who may have been wondering. It is a good day. Thanks for all those who have commented privately and publicly. I don't know the words to say, thank you seems a little cheap, but I appreciate you all.
A bit more.....
One film I forgot to comment on, and review was Michael Moore's documenatry 'Sicko". An amazing expose into the American Health myth's and system they have. I watched this at first thinking it was a waste of time and within minutes finding myself riveted and grateful to live in this country I lovingly call home. I am not sure how any American can watch this and truly not have doubts that the "Land of the Free" is held together with home made band aids and a prayer that they don't get seriously ill. My heart heart goes out to the people there who live in constant concern if they become really sick. Especially the 50 million people denied Medical Insurance. It is a sometimes harrowing expose into a system that proves might is right. Perhaps the words from Australian rock band Midnight Oil's lyrics are pertinent here."The rich get richer, the poor get the picture"
(5 stars)
This is the last post for a few days. My Mum Grace appears to have been more advanced with her health concerns than she let on. The C word (cancer) I had avoided saying was only because she thought by not telling me or Kayleena, would "help" us. Not sure I understand how that thinking works, but I will accept her choice and put it aside. My sister is flying in and then we will spend some time together tomorrow before her surgery on Wednesday, I shall refrain from saying exactly what operation is going on, not because it is secret, but because I do not have the facts to hand. So I will be moving around the next few days gingerly. I am writing here now because I think this voice I have created on my blog is a safety valve that lets me talk generally to myself and is a great source of peace and comfort. It is advanced and the specter of actually losing my second Mother is real. Inevitable certainly, but more real than I had been led to believe. That is Ok too. I respect her choice, even if I don't fully concur.
I will be looking at and answering any comments should any of you make them - yes even you V2T! I will still be checking my mail. I will just not be investing the energy into posting, so I can walk on this path for the next few days. I am grateful I have the chance to spend some time. When my adopted Dad Allen was on his last breaths, I went to see him and he asked me in an angry tone, "Have you done your organ practice?" I was 14 going on 50 and thought, I have had enough of this rubbish and just walked out on him at the St Vincent's Hospital in Darlinghurst. The regret was, that I never saw him alive again. I am not twisted by it, but sad on a whole number of levels. My Mum Grace informed me a couple of months ago that when I left his room he said to her through tears "I don't know why I said that, I am so sorry"...and so am I. I took my little family to clean up my Dad's grave the other day, no reason, I just missed him and needed to feel him near. It was a wonderful half hour. I marveled at the number of people who were showing their love to the people they miss by doing the same thing. It was a wonder to watch. There is a story in every person whom I saw.
So I will immerse myself in getting to know my sisters again as we walk this road together with Mum and enjoy the time we have with Mum, whether it is hours, days, weeks or a few months. We are led to believe it is nearer than she has let on. My parting thought to share on this Monday night the 18th of February 2008 is simply, Life is Short. Don't live with regrets. If we cause each other pain, hurt, disappointment and anguish. Forgive. Forgive me, forgive each other and perhaps even ourselves.
I will end this post with the REM song Everybody Hurts.
The self portrait opposite top right would be a perfect image of how I look and feel at present. I found out a couple of hours ago the more serious state of Mum's health and just wanted to write now to help me cope with everything.
I love you all.
In review.....
Writing the last post has been an interesting experience, I don't know what I anticipated to occur from the responses or if I would get any at all, but they have certainly been wonderful to receive. I have had 6 responses and one of those was not complimentary. It certainly has caused me to ponder on the nature of things like this. Adoption was a major element and influence in my life and as my previous post indicates, is now behind me and has been quenched.
A post script on "A window from within" would be that I realised the possible sensitivities that still exist with the players and people who were mentioned. That post took me hours to write, mainly because I wanted to treat the people whose names I was to mention with the love and respect I genuinely feel for them. I wanted to go to great lengths to ensure in my writings, that I treated them with the deference they deserve. I think the negative comment I received privately, and a couple who have not replied to my invitation to read this post in my blog may have felt that I overstepped my bounds in bringing some of this information to the public consciousness, I think also that there will be a few who have chosen simply to read and make no comment at all, and that is fine.
If there be any who may feel slighted by my outpouring of thoughts, and I have come to know and feel that there are, I apologise for the hurt or offence my post may have caused. That said, I still stand by what I wrote, as an expression of events in my life that are real. I have written what I have, out of a place of amazement and wonder, that I have become who I am. I have sought to highlight the impact of this influences in my life and have done so largely as a tribute to the protagonists.
This is my Wedding promo poster I have designed.
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moving on to a different change of pace
I wanted to give a DVD review on a couple of films I saw recently. The star rating is out of 5.
I really loved the DVD on Edith Piaff's life, La Vie en Rose. What a wonderful film. I believe the main actress who played Edith, one Marion Cotillard is astounding. She had me believing that SHE WAS Edith. I am so hopeful she gets an Oscar. It was a film that took you through Edith's troubled and tempestuous life. Edith lived and played hard, and through it all had this voice that caused all within it's vocal range or sound, to melt and be in awe of the magic that her voice was, and still is to some including me. I understand few french words or phrases but was enveloped by the performance, the music, the city of Paris and of course of Edith's portrayal. It is a film I warmly recommend. Straight after the film I turned on my computer to re listen to the 2-3 songs I have in my itunes from Edith Piaff. Totally mesmerising stuff to me. (5 stars)
I have also seen a film called "Neverwas" Starring Ian Mackellan, Nick Nolte, Jessica Lange, William Hurt as notables and a host of other actors. A simple film, no huge special effects, it is a fantasy film, that hit me on several levels. It is a feel good film with a sad but brilliant twist. Essentially a young Psychiatrist goes to a sanitarium to take the job, and as the film unfolds we discover that his reason for going to THIS sanitarium was because his Father, a well known writer of a famous children's book had been a patient there. The plot develops and shows that the book his Father wrote may have elements of truth in it. I am grateful for good films. They help me reassess my own life and cause me to try and absorb more of the good things in life and imbue them as part of the me, I wish to become. It won't appeal to everyone at all, but was wonderful nonetheless. (3.5 stars)
I saw The Kingdom with Jamie Fox, Jennifer Garner, another shoot em up type film dealing with some sensitive middle eastern issues. Roughly said, something bad happens to Americans in the middle east and a group of rogue American FBI people want to go in and get to the bottom of the situation breaking all international protocols and initially after thinking themselves superior than the Saudi's, the Americans gradually learn to respect that life is not always as they seem. They develop friendships and form bonds with people they initially despised. Not bad as far as action films go, great music that really set the mood and highlighted the difficulties that seem to exist between those who believe they are on Allah's errand and those who are on their own errand. (3.5 stars)
Well, I will review some films each time I see something I like or don't like.
I have been a little sad of late when I have selected people whom I know don't visit my blog, to share the news about getting to meet Burt Bacharach with. I am amazed and yet not, how many people don't even know, or care who he is. I guess it saddens me that I don't think myself different to anyone else, but it would appear that I certainly am. One person said to me yesterday, isn't he really old now? Hmmm I guess so I think. But doesn't 7 Grammy awards, 10 number 1 hits, 37 chart topping albums and a literal catalogue of songs people have had their life soundtracks made from count for anything? Oh well, I shall not raise it ever again to anybody. I am just grateful that I had the chance to meet a musical genius once in my life.
We live in a society that wants to make people an offender for a word. Or said differently, we are wanting to dismiss people, or at least pigeon hole them, quickly into a category as though everything you say or represent is of no worth just because you said one thing, or did one thing that was inappropriate, or questionable in the eyes or perception of another. It is a real bug bear with me.
If my spelling, or my grammar here in this blog is not up to scratch, it is as though if when that is pointed out it provides sufficient reason to ignore the content or the way I feel. Similar for current Prime minister Kevin Rudd, who has had email contact with a disgraced former W.A (Western Australian) politician. There seems to be a whole group who feel it their duty to call to account what was said, what was done and the ramifications. Let me say here that I am not comparing myself to Kevin Rudd or anybody else. I am just saddened that a function of the cynical world we live in chooses to find chinks in the armor of people to demonise them and reduce their effectiveness. I am not suggesting the need for checks and balances in the lives of people who are in a position to guide our nation be ignored, I just think we need to look at them, and ourselves, with more forgiving and understanding eyes of their natural human foibles.
I am a business development manager within a major photographic company as well as having my own business photographing. In the business role I am with, there are people who believe in an esoteric philosophy that would have them believe they are unique, gifted and superior to all others within an organisation. I guess it is the office politics I am referring to. Though it would seem this organisation is the white house with the amount of "potomac two steps" or buck passing I witness occurring. I have never understood the supposed need for power to exert over another individual. I have never subscribed to that philosophy, whenever I have seen it in anybody or any race of people. I am a believer that we are all children of a God who cares and loves all of us irrespective of race, colour, creed, religion, economic circumstance or any other variable that would allow segregation of people. What I find strange is that if people want to get the best out of another human being, all they have to do is empower them. Layout clearly the objective, enroll them in why it is important and send them forth to accomplish the task, bringing with them their own unique attributes and skills. Clearly my revolutionary idea is foreign to many people and organisations who outwardly espouse solidarity to such values, but inwardly are fearful and scared of losing their own position in the process.
As the song The outcasts from the Disney movie the "Hunchback of Notre Dame" suggests, there are some it seems that God favours over others, but I think God allows opposites to exist in the world for a specific reason. Now accept my finite mind dealing with infinite concepts here, I believe that God allows things like people with disability, people with difference, or economic differences to occur to allow us all to show care and love and most importantly, understanding and acceptance of, other people. In the song and movie Alfie, the lyrics ask about life generally "What's it all about Alfie? is it just for the moment we live? are we meant to take more than we give? I will post the lyrics of the song here because I think they encapsulate the overall feeling I m trying to convey. Today is a great day. I am pumped!
Whats it all about, alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
Whats it all about when you sort it out, alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, alfie,
Then I guess its wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, alfie,
What will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe theres a heaven above, alfie,
I know theres something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, alfie.
Without true love we just exist, alfie.
Until you find the love youve missed youre nothing, alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And youll find love any day, alfie, alfie.
A Window from within Part 1
It was asked of me by a regular and welcome visitor to my blog I esteem as a friend, to expand the understanding about me a little more concerning my occasional references to adoption. As I read the questions that were posed of me I felt that it would be good to answer them from the perspective that I, as an adopted one, might be able to shed some light on this whole experience as I saw and see it.
From my earliest recollections, I do remember being told I was adopted. I don't recall it affected me adversely much at all, but I must have asked questions as I do recall being a very inquisitive child, and that certainly still holds true to the present. I asked some additional questions about what it must have been to be adopted. My adopted mother Grace, whose answer I remember as though she told me only yesterday, though it is now 38 years ago, said, "that {being adopted} means that we chose you, we wanted you to be our son". I felt special, though did not know the impact of what that meant then. Grace, was a younger sister to my birth mother, whose name was Vera. As I was told, I was adopted out to Grace because I posed some significant health risks to Vera whilst I was in-utero, and then I was classed as a blue baby when I was born. I recall that there was some speculation that either Vera or me could have died at the time due to some health related abnormalities. However, we both survived the diagnosis. Though owing to Vera's weakened condition and inability to adequately care for me at that time, I was offered to Grace & Allen to raise. This is a fairly common practice among polynesians called whangai. (pronounced Farng eye). Fearing a later change in heart and mind from Vera, Grace requested that the exchange be formalised legally, and so I became a legally adopted person. My birth name was Craig Stephens and then I became a Peihopa.
As I grew I remember having Mum and Dad telling me that we were getting a new sister. We were about to adopt a girl from, now follow me here, my birth sister Shona. So I went to New Zealand and I vividly remember being asked by a judge in the Auckland courthouse if I would be happy about getting a sister. Kayleena was my sister legally, and then she was also my niece by birth. Strange ha! So this was my life growing up. There were occasional highlights. My adopted dad Allen, and I had a bit of a strange relationship. Nothing weird, just I only have three very fun happy memories of being with him. He was a sickly man often, and it is my older suspicion that he had a subtle feeling of inadequacy concerning my parentage. I think it is harder for a man or a guy to accept someone else's children. I knew he loved me, BUT, there was a but, I won't expand further because I respect that It perhaps rests only in my mind and may have little bearing in the truth. It is almost as though as I type this, I can feel Allen over my shoulder saying, "NO, it was never like that." So I will accept that and leave it there. Having said that though, it is never an issue for me with other people's children. Not even in the slightest.
After Allen died in 1979, incidentally he died the latter end of that year, the same year my birth father Maurice died as well. I answered the phone to have a woman ask me a number of questions and then I gave the phone to Mum Grace and she was on the phone for almost two hours as I recall. She laughed, she cried and seemed breathless. At the conclusion of the call Mum Grace sat me down and explained how she had become a young mother prior to her marriage with Allen. It caused her much sadness to be forced to adopt the child out. The woman on the call was her daughter that she had to give up when the child was born. Annette had "found" her after some 30 years of searching and was coming to meet us. Annette and her husband Dave now live near Mum Grace and have become assimilated into our lives as though they were never ever apart. We don't always agree on things, and we find fault with each other sometimes, but we are a family.
Vera and I had the chance to meet a couple of times without anyone else around and it was a lovely experience. It is hard sometimes being with someone who is your actual mother and you have never really talked to her. Things like What do I say? What do I talk about? feature prominently in one's inner mind monologue. The first question I remember asking once she relaxed on one of these occasions was "what time of the day was I born?" She laughed and said, "How do I know! I have no idea Craig." Strangely, I was glad she said that. I thought later that if she answered a time I would have been sceptical and doubtful.
Fast forward to the Reunion in 2002. It was over the Easter weekend and was originally for the family of my Mother's plural. I was invited but it was never expressed to me that if I don't go, I would be the only Stephen's living child who didn't go. I think they were conscious of not wanting to "force" me to go. Something deep within me wouldn't let me leave this alone. I couldn't get it out of my head. So I rang Qantas and found out how many frequent flyer miles I had and then cashed some in and flew to New Zealand. It was a very emotional time. I cried at the drop of hat at certain moments throughout that weekend. Suffice it to say that I have never felt or experienced that raft of human emotion before or since and it was a very poignant and transcendent moment in my life. Vera was very ill and died within 12 months after the event. She spoke to me in front of Grace one night in just a small moment saturated with significance and emotion for me, when she leaned over to me and said in a soft but strong voice "no matter what, you are still my son, I am still your mother and I love you." It was a humbling moment I shall not forget. There were so many moments over this weekend that I am sure you would love to hear about but there isn't time or opportunity to share it all, but let me simply add, that being with almost 400 direct family members was amazing. It was a special moment to experience that of all my brothers and sisters, of which I am the youngest, we could have filled in each others sentences. It was uncanny to me. We thought and felt similar, and yet were uniquely different. It ranks amongst the greatest events of my life.
For those who are not Maori and have no understanding of a Marae - or gathering place, or it's significance to a tribe or family, you may miss the significance and protocols that exist in this sacred and traditional atmosphere, but they added strength and dignity to a wonderful event. To the Maori people we believe that the dead are not really dead, simply gone from amongst us to another place, and the Marae is a place that their photos, their strength, bonds, hopes and dreams still live on in, and in a metaphysical sense they do, in us. In such a setting, it is customary that people get up in the environment and speak their mind. No sheets of prepared speeches, just speak from the heart. There are tears, laughter, and an outpouring of love. In this Marae setting one of my brothers arose and rebuked politely the two mothers and said in essence; "We blame you two for this, He (meaning me) is our brother and it was never said how we should treat him or even acknowledge him and as such we have ignored our connection for far too long and it ends today", then turning to me he said with tear stained cheeks, "Brother, Welcome home." then he sat down. I was a mess, and found as I looked around the room many others were also. There were about 70 people in the room. The other family members were milling on the outside. It was a very special event that stretched on for hours. As the rain gently started to fall I felt they were my tears also, and perhaps even the tears of my ancestors welcoming me back as well. I have included a You Tube video on a Powhiri - welcome onto the Marae from someone else in Queenstown to give you an idea of what it is like. Please ignore the laughing of the tourists, it is highly disrespectful but can understand when the significance and symbolism of this event was not explained to those watching beforehand. I wanted to at least give you a sense of the welcome we received going on to our ancestral lands of the marae.
My life changed that day. It never occurred to me that being adopted ever affected me so much but I had chips on both shoulders, I always thought it meant I was well balanced. Go figure!
Since that time my brothers and sisters have embraced me and I have them. I love them and feel their love for me. I am truly a fortunate son, who has the love of two families and feels that I became free on the Easter weekend 2002. Free to air the closet. There are no more skeletons left now. Many people do not understand this feeling, and unless you have walked in my shoes through this path it would be difficult to grasp fully, but just know that I am a better person for having been there.
On adoption generally, I feel for Grace and am sensitive to ensure she never feels that I have walked away from her, I respect and love her. My thoughts and prayers are with her for this weeks hasty operation. As V2T observed, it is a rich journey in human emotion. I am proud and grateful for my Maori and family heritage. I don't wear it on my sleeve per se, but it is in my heart and soul and is an ever guiding influence in my life.
Our entire family, brothers and sisters have only been together fully twice in the history of our family, spanning many years. The picture below is the first time it occured at the reunion. I didn't take the picture but I enhanced it and created what you see, the one above is the second time we were together in 2005. Again, I didn't take the picture but the background, the shadows and many other elements in the image I created. Whilst I will be there in March for the weekend, not all of us will be there together, but I look forward to it nonetheless.
In hindsight may I add, that the well meaning decisions and choices we make on behalf of another living being, like choosing and deciding to adopt, or in the case of the "Stolen Generation" which were taken forcibly, a gesture which this nation formally apologised for the other day, has far reaching ramifications on the lives of those affected.
One of my brothers has said to me I wish you could just get over it, and I have, but his comment reflects his inability to comprehend the irrevocable impact it has made on mine and John's lives. (John is another brother who was adopted). I raise this example not to criticise, but to highlight the fact that the ripples in the pond from a decision made on behalf of another person, irrespective of age and circumstance, continue to ripple through the persons very life fabric. It can affect your sense of self worth, and your scope of, and understanding of life. I think in my case and also in some cases of the "stolen generation", that I was given to a better life, my opportunities and life experience has not hindered me at all, in fact it has been a great and tremendous blessing. I accept that what I have had in my life would not have happened had I stayed at home with my birth family, but for many years, in the back of my mind I was always thinking why did my Mother not want me, even if she was sick, why didn't she fight for me? Am I not worth it? Who the Hell am I?
I do not condemn her even remotely, but my heart goes out to the people who are adopted and who have struggled with questions their whole lives. We all throw them to the back of our minds, but they are there. It causes me to think often about how a choice or decision I make today will affect those around me and going forward how it will affect all of our lives. I think overall that adoption can be a great blessing to the lives of people who want children and may be unable to have them of their own accord, and I think in the case of a great many children, myself included, that their lives will be greatly enriched and blessed by the whole process.
I know and have seen the pain that exists in the eyes and hearts of mothers who were "forced" to give up and adopt their children, never knowing where they are or how their lives turned out, I also know the pain and heartache it can be for those who were adopted and never know who their parents are and the inevitable question which can eat at everyone is WHY? I remember being in a car at 11pm parked on the roadside next to my birth fathers grave and through the pouring rain spoke to
him and wondered if he cared about me, or if he was proud of me. I never got to know while he was alive.
So, in my case I have bade farewell to the question of WHY and I now live more peacefully, no chips on the shoulders and I plan to light up the sky in my own little way.
I am a fortunate son and a proud dad.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
What a perfect day. I have been richly rewarded over the last couple of days with some new photographic friends who have visited here on my blog, WELCOME RUBY & MELISSA. I have also been in contact with a few dear and special friends over the last couple of days as much to be there and listen for them, as I have been indirectly needing some TLC for myself. I want all of my old friends and all of my new ones to know how grateful I am for each of you. I have been enjoying the beautiful warmth that radiates by sharing time with friends. I value the few friends I have and prize you all as valuable as gold and other precious things.
I have also been loving the show of the "Light Fantastic" from nature as I walk each morning lately and see the day commence. I love life. I am just so appreciative of the rich influences and simple things I see and absorb each day. It is my hope that you all feel loved and appreciated today especially. Both the Guys and the Girls.
It amazes me in chatting with a good friend yesterday, how much we as people fail to let those in our lives who matter, know that we love and appreciate each of them, and the results that are caused by omitting the chance and opportunity of letting everyone around us, feel our care as often as we can. To Illustrate the point further, I actually refer to an example of a discussion I had with a male friend earlier in the week when I said to my mate that, "you should tell the people that matter to you the most, often, how much you love them". The person answered simply, "Oh, they already know that". I said "How? have you told them recently?" the puzzled look on his face told me that he had not told them and certainly was not feeling it back from those he cares about either. Is it me, or is this rocket science? It doesn't cost us a thing to be kind, it doesn't cost us a thing to share love and ourselves with others. Yes, we can be hurt, yes people can misinterpret the meaning of what we say, and yes, we can, out of simple well meaning expressions, offend people as well by sharing and showing our love. That stinks, it really does, but don't expect me to stop doing it because I get hurt sometimes! Sheesh.
I asked a door to door sales person whom I bought a vacuum cleaner from recently at a very hefty price point, I say that because I was dumbfounded a vacuum cleaner could cost so much and amazed that he got many sales. I said "Why do you do this?" "you must get a lot of rejection!" he answered with a smile on his face and said simply; "yes, some people are very rude sometimes, but when I get people who really appreciate the service I provide, I make a sale here and there, then it makes it all worthwhile." I admired his resilience and perseverance. I asked again; "why do you do this - what is leading you toward?" and then his face lit up even more about how he is going to run a business of his own when he gets enough sales and on and on he went. I admired him even more. I know he will accomplish his hopes and dreams on his own terms and be successful. Why raise this example? To simply suggest that when we put our hearts on our sleeves and in public. It may be battered and bruised and hurt and offended, but it is the one or two who get the message and feel our sincerity and love that make it ALL worthwhile.
People!!!! hello!!
We as people generally, are very forgetful. We need to be reminded often that we are appreciated and loved. I figure if you want to feel those feelings coming to you, try giving them first - meaningfully and without qualification. You just never know it might come back to you in ways that your heart cannot contain for bursting with gratitude. I suspect that the content of what I say is neither revolutionary nor new to anyone, yet so often we fail to do it. It really is truer now than at any time previously. "What the world needs now is Love Sweet Love". I extend mine without reservation to you all and extend my gratitude for the impact you all make in my life.
Todays images are more from some of the weddings I have done recently in the last week and a half and all are copyrighted and blah blah blah. . Have a great day everyone! and in the famous words of former Australian middle weight or was that banter weight division of world boxing, one Jeff Fenech, he used to say; "I loves youse all!" and thus I do.
Today and beyond
I have been actively engaged processing the many hundreds of pictures I have been taking over the last week or so from weddings and family portraits. Despite what you might think, the big job at photography isn't the hours spent behind the camera, but the hours spent in front of the computer. I have almost 3,000 pictures to print over the next couple of days!!! I certainly love doing what I do.
I spent the afternoon yesterday at Glenn's house discussing and planning the wedding album of Tristan & Jrisi and discussing and planning the wedding of Rohan and Jackie in Byron Bay in the next couple of weeks. Lorelle made some beautiful Indian curry and it was just divine. It was good to chill out with some friends. Lorelle showed me her pictures with Glenn and some of the family backstage with Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, and Sting of course. A true star studded backstage moment at the Police Concert a few days ago. I might post one of the pictures here soon.
I took a moment to think in the middle of all of these discussions with the Bakers, "hey I am really doing this", and you know something? I love it. There is something magical and special about love. I am a hopeless romantic, I love the films, the "sap" even the cards and gifts etc. One of my favourite films is Notting Hill. I like it on so many levels, but I just love the special connection that people have. I also love that I am a small but significant part of many peoples life moments at a wedding. In 20 years time, their children will not think of, or even care about me. They will however be looking at pictures that I took and be saying things like, "Wow, look at the fashion back then", or "you look beautiful Mum". It is often at the back of my mind that what I do today and how I see things now may be interpreted again at some future day and time and I feel it as an awesome responsibility. I think it was said in the Film "Gladiator" by Marcus Aurelias - played by Russell Crow, that
"What we do here, will echo in eternity", and well it may. 
I also think at times it is both a blessing and a curse to have this forward view. I am at a good place today. I am excited for the future plans and goals, I am excited for the work that is coming my way, I just feel I am close to realising some major things.
Have a good day everyone. Here are some wedding pictures i have taken over the last week or so.
Space, strength and silence.....
Well, It is good to be back. I went away the other day to the New South Wales north coast and then some of the state's regional towns. I drove from Sydney, north to Port Macqaurie, then traveled on to Kempsey, Coffs Harbour then went back down the coast aways, then turned inland toward Tamworth via the beautiful villages of Bellingen, Dorrigo and town of Armidale. The next day I traveled out to Narrabri via Gunnedah, then went from there through to Sydney via towns I had never even heard of before called Baan Baa, Breeza and Quirindi (pronounced Karindye), then on to Musswellbrook, Scone, Singleton Maitland and then home via Newcastle. I drove 800 Km's yesterday alone!! It was draining but I basked in the wondrous things I saw and felt.
It was an odd start to the trip. Before leaving I sprayed my underarms and chest with leather shoe spray instead of deodorant, I reached for the wrong can and thought, Hmm, that smells different? Derr! At least I was shiny!!!! Oh well I took another quick shower! Then I transferred files and things I had to work on while I was away to a separate hard drive that I would take with me to use on my computer, then I left with the hard drive sitting on my office chair in a bag I put it in. I took a camera with me, got a memory card, took the battery off the charger, and then left the house with the camera and card, leaving the battery behind. I can add the phone charger to the things I forgot as well. It was a strange start. I almost sensed that something was scattered or wasn't right. Suffice it to say I wasn't too far off the mark. But I am back on track now, I think?
I had so much space around me and for the long hours I was in the car alone, and out of mobile reception range it was a perfect environment for me to reassess my goals for this year and and realise a few things about my path, my direction and myself. After some hours of contemplation I was reminded of the words a song Dusty Springfield once sang.
Round
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel thats turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind
Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind
Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind
I think these lyrics adequately summarise the many things I was thinking over the last few days. I recognise that there was no better thing that happened to me than to forget the work I had to do, and take some time out for me. It was ethereal, surreal also and ultimately reinforced an inner strength and did so in an environment largely comprised of silence. I walked along the beach at Port Macquarie in the sprinkling of rain and thought of what if? What if my life was different? What if choices made recently and time past had been made differently, how would that have changed my life from where I am now? What if the world continues to go crazy and start yet another war? What if the price of fuel continues to rise and becomes out of "reach" of the average home, what if, what if, what if..............................
I must note at this point, that I wasn't looking for a single answer. I was truly allowing my mind to go unfettered into places it might otherwise be constrained to go.I felt bathed and refreshed from the experience. There is still some degree of angst but I am so grateful for the time I had to reconnect with my inner self and I feel that I have been stretched and in the last 4 days have matured and grown. I was asked yesterday whether I felt the same as when I was 19? my answer is simply "NO, I don't." I feel certain things in my body I was oblivious to before, aches and twinges of the occasional pain. Then I was asked whether I wish I was 19 again. My answer is again, simply "NO, I don't." I have worked hard to get to where I am, imbued with my small doubts and fears, coupled with my hopes, dreams and desires. I wouldn't trade this appreciation I have developed for my path for anything. I think that like a film I once saw starring James Belushi where he wanted to have a better life, and chose the life of his boss with the "Hot" wife, the riches and the cars because he thought how his life was boring and banal. He got the chance to live out that fantasy only to find in a short space of time that the life he had was in fact the one he most wanted. The Lost Horizon film reincarnated. I love life, I love my friends, I love the experiences I have had and am blessed to discover about them and about myself. I am grateful for all of the elements that allow me to appreciate what I am and have.
Lastly, whilst traveling over the last 4 days it was endless rain. There was one time however when I was travelling up the Dorrigo Mountain and looking down over Bellingen and Dorrigo that I will rank as one of the prettiest sights I have EVER seen. I was almost a 1000 feet above sea level and the clouds that I was above, that were punctuated by the sprawling hills of lush, rich green carpets of grass and cows. There appeared a break in the clouds of dark grey and beyong the break I could see the rich blue of the sky and a solid strong beam of light I like to call the "Finger of God" and incidently whenever I have seen it, which has been three times in my life, I have NEVER had a camera or been able to photograph it. I have a mobile phone or two with cameras, but the quality of images even at 2-3 Mega pixels is lame. I had a camera and NO bloody battery!!! Whilst the frustration of that troubled me I was enveloped in the beauty and wonder of what I saw and was not in levels of disappointment enough to prevent me from drinking in the moment.
I am so amazed at the power of nature and was amazed late last night to see the destructive tornado's in the southern USA on my local TV news. A US based weather watcher said that it was linked to the unseasonally warm weather in the middle of their winter, and If I am not mistaken, we are experiencing unseasonally cold, wet weather in the middle of our summer. It would seem to a casual, uninformed observer like myself that the earth is groaning and something is drastically wrong. When I hear people quote things like "this is the worst weather we have seen in this state since we started keeping records", or when people say "these are the most destructive storms we have seen in almost 30 years", I start to wonder. Our drought which these recent rains still haven't broken is still "the worst drought in Australian recorded history". But like Dorothea Mackellar so aptly penned, I too love the place I can now call "My Country". And will end on this poem. What a great deal of growth I have observed in myself in the last few days.
My Country
by
Dorothea Mackellar
(1885 - 1968)
The love of field and coppice,
Of green and shaded lanes.
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins,
Strong love of grey-blue distance
Brown streams and soft dim skies
I know but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.
I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of droughts and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror -
The wide brown land for me!
A stark white ring-barked forest
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon.
Green tangle of the brushes,
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops
And ferns the warm dark soil.
Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When sick at heart, around us,
We see the cattle die-
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady, soaking rain.
Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the Rainbow Gold,
For flood and fire and famine,
She pays us back threefold-
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
The filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze.
An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land-
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand-
Though earth holds many splendours,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.
The pictures were taken on a previous trip away but compliments the setting I was talking about in this post.
An observation, it is amazing and sad to me that when I told a couple of friends who don't visit my blog that I met Burt Bacharach, they neither cared or even knew who he is. Oh well. It mattered to me. That's life I guess.
The Circle of Life
With the large amount of rain falling upon the ground over the last several days, I have noted with some interest how much damage a persistent drop in the one place can do. I have noticed a rock on the side of my house actually start wearing away as the drops consistently fall in the one spot. Kind of makes me think how much one person can achieve with persistence, focus and direction. I would like to think of that drop being a little like myself. I am still trying, still nudging the success barrier I can almost "feel" it happening.
When I think about the seemingly weak elements like a water droplets power, it would be hard to go past a single blade of grass as it breaks through the concrete ceiling and overcomes it's captor as well. I marvel at simple things. I am kind of strange that way I guess. For example when my car pulls up at a set of lights and I happen to glance at a leaf or a person or piece of paper, I actively think, I will never see that moment or object or person ever again, and I try to "drink" the moment in, almost as though it is my last.
I am, and have always been, conscious of life's fragility. I think losing my adopted Father when I was but 14 taught me that early. I recall going to a school sponsored week of swimming instruction at the Parramatta Council swimming pool at the same time my Dad was going to be operated on by the late, and great, sadly murdered, surgeon Dr. Victor Chang, when my school friends in the way 14 year olds ask, "Could your Father Die?". I of course answered "Yeah!", thinking it would be cool that my Dad was undergoing life threatening surgery. It just never occurred to me that it was life threatening surgery, or that he would actually die. I was stunned and motionless when I heard the news. I was sent to my friend John's house at Long Reef on Sydney's northern beaches. I remember being across the road at the beach on the Monday, the 3rd of December 1979 when I came back to John's home when his Mum said, "Craig ring home". I did, and knew something was up when a family friend Kay answered the phone and said "I will get Mum, hang on" and then Mum came to the phone and said simply "He's gone Craig, Dad died today, can you come home, I am sorry to interrupt your fun at your friends house". I don't recall my response other than feeling like I was instantly wrapped in cotton wool and protected. I also remember the week before my Dad's funeral as the most "numbing" I ever felt. It can best be described as a week of a "slow down" that can occur to you just before you have a car accident or a big fall where for a moment everything hits a massive slow mo button on a mythical real life remote as though it's natures way of cushioning the imapact. And it did.
I think further that it is an interesting phenomena that we as people are all walking volumes of experience. My dear friend Lynn, and many others are a marvel to me. I have listened intently to some of Lynn's life experience and to that of others as well and I cannot help feel a huge degree of gratitude that I am given, as all of us are, the ability to share and learn from each other. To illustrate further my point here, I am led to the the lyrics of Disney's Lion King song "The Circle of Life" written by Sir Tim Rice whom my friend Glenn A. knows as a friend and ally.
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
Chorus:
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
Today my wish for myself and for those who visit here is that we may, each of us, find "our place", and as we move through the circle of life, understand that the only way we can see more than can be seen is to learn and share with others, their hopes and dreams, their fears and their sorrows. My life has certainly not panned out the way I imagined as a young boy of 14. I really missed a Fathers influence in my life. There were some who stood in as friends to help me learn how to drive, and some who tried to guide me, all of which I am grateful for. I have largely made choices, not all of which the outcomes I would have wanted or realised at the time, but I am still standing. I am still here. I may stand feebly at times, but I am still standing nonetheless. I am grateful for life and the chance I have to participate in the wonderful journey it is. I am especially grateful for all of you who visit and contribute to, and enrich my life experience.
Todays pics are of my dad, Arena Tumu Peihopa (Allen James Bishop in English), and a group of 3 pictures of me at 2, at 6 and at 14. The one at 14 is a polaroid picture taken of me the day after I found out Dad died. I was in a complete daze. I recall going past a shop called Elton Ward photography and they were showing the new sensation of a polaroid "take it and have it now" camera. They took a picture and this is it. Check out my hair, and see the dirty ring mark around my neck. I was in a complete trance as I remember.I am not embarrassed looking at my own pictures. I can look and say that was me.
Take care you guys
CP
Tubeless and still standing
Thanks to Matt and V2T for your early comments about last nights post on Mum. It won't be a long post today, I just wanted to share my first submission to You Tube. It is a slideshow from Lisa & Ryan Pascoe's wedding I photographed last year. I am very proud of it and a slideshow like this is included in the $3000 wedding packages I do. Or I can create one for other packages also.
It takes 8 minutes, so if you have a few minutes, take a look and let me know what you think. I have a busy day today with a visiting "big wig" from a major photographic company flying in to Sydney this morning and I have to work with him.
CP
Reflecting on the weekend that was...
It has been a busy weekend. 2 full weddings and 1 last part of a reception, and a Christening today with full studio portraits and everything. I am so tired. Not really sleepy tired but drained. I guess I can include emotionally in that as well. After a doctors appointment the other day I thought I would give my mum a call. She seemed down and we spoke a little and she mentioned that she has had a biopsy on a lump in her throat / jaw region. She added that when the results came back to her the Doctor said simply, and rudely - "well, the results aren't good girly!" My Mum, (my adopted Mum Grace is 75 years old).
Where do these people get off saying stuff like that. I think Mum went into a state of denial, then ignored the need to ask further questions in case she didn't like the answers. The response, is perfectly normal. But sheesh, What the? I think the Doctor himself needs a better "bedside" manner or at least try and place himself in the hands of other health professionals to understand a little more the anguish that can fall upon a person, or upon a family when the news like this is delivered so coldly and callously.
It appears that after she made further enquiries of the Doctor, it was suggested by him that she may have a malignant growth. We aren't saying the "C" word yet. (Cancer) It has been a sobering thought at the back of my mind as I have laboured long and arduously over the weekend. A thought my labour and weddings and other photo shoots have not been able to extinguish.
I would expect and hope that anyone reading this blog who knows my Mum personally, NOT act on this information and go "over the top" with her and treat her all weird and stuff. That is one of the things she and I spoke of. She was deciding whether to tell anyone at all. I just am airing the feelings I have been so trying to ignore this weekend and dismiss. But I am heavy hearted. My mum and I have had a falling out over several issues over the last few years, and I have occasionally and horridly thought that if she "went" I would be OK and yes I would miss her, but I would be OK. Seems the only person I was deceiving was me.
I Love my Mum. She certainly has her fair share of faults, but then who amongst us doesn't I ask? I have as many as she, and then some! I will not go "over the top" with her, but with the scare she has been administered, I can tell she is a little lost, and who wouldn't be. She is a good lady. She works hard and touches the hearts and lives of many people with whom she comes in contact. I am grateful that Denzel has two Nan's I had one, for a short time, I met her once that I recall and then some months later she died of alcohol related issues. She was my Mum's Mum and was a stolid, strong and unyielding woman. She could tough it with any man I met. She was built from farm stock, without the use of machinery and had a hard life as well.
So in this little post I have been so busy, and so drained over the past few days. I have had the use of a hire car, a PT cruiser convertible which was lovely to drive with the top down when it wasn't raining. But whilst there have been some subtle highlights from the weekend, my mind has been in many places over the last few days. I have been pondering the very fragility of life and reflecting the brief time we are here. Now that I am 43, I am thinking 50 doesn't look as old as it used to. I will from today, lay to rest the differences I have had with Mum and move forward to enjoy the time we have remaining, whether it is months or years. I think while I am at it, I might just lay the other differences I have with others here on the same place and walk away with fresh eyes and a lighter back. If there be people who visit here whom I may have offended, I apologise and ask for your forgiveness.
Life is too short.
Whilst the lyrics below seem to suggest a passing has already occurred and it hasn't and we're hoping it is not going to be hastened. I hope that we can feel the importance of laying aside the things that divide us and stop withholding the love and happiness we all intrinsically desire.
Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The
Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The
Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just
Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To
Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The
Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Michael Jackson
CP
An evening with Burt Bacharach
Well, As my previous post indicated I went again to see Burt Bacharach at the Sydney Opera House, which still takes my breath away for the architecture and design. I love the place and am proud that we have such a beautiful building in this place.
Anyway, the concert was wonderful. I really enjoyed sitting and watching this marvelous maestro weave his magic on the audience. I watched every nuance with his hand as he truly played the keyboards AND conducted the different aspects of the orchestra with a wave of the hand or a nod of the head in their direction. The 3 singers he had with him were wonderful also. I was amazed as I do not believe I will see this master again on a concert stage. I marvel at the creative mind that can create such beautiful and magical pieces of music. I will never know what it is like to hear the elements of an orchestra play in my head and then be able transpose that into musical notation and have that speak to every player in the sensational Sydney Symphony Orchestra, but I marvel at and respect that special process. I salute Mr. Bacharach, and express my gratitude for him pressing forward doing what became "very difficult work, much harder than [he] ever expected" His music has become the anthems for many peoples lives. He played a piece of music called For the Children which was written specifically for the Sydney Symphony Orchestra and was performed for the first time last night and it was beautiful.
In closing, the highlight was actually being able to go backstage and meet the man himself. A very unassuming octaginarian who continues to show us that music has no expiry date. I was very pleased to meet him and thought of all the people he has worked with - certainly far too many to list. That's all, I went to bed at 2am and woke up and wrote this and now have to head out and work.
pictured from left is yours truly, Burt, Glenn A. Baker and his Qantas in-flight radio show presenter whose name I have regrettably forgotten. The picture was taken by the photographer for the show whose name was Cameron, not sure of his surname hence why I have omitted the credit from the picture. Sorry Cameron!
Have a great day and weekend everyone.
CP
